Saturday, 15 January 2022

Somebody throw shamu back in the ocean

I am a whale. I must be.


I'm a size 16, I'm 13 and a half stone and even my own boyfriend thinks I'm my own planet.


Not that he treats me badly or tells me to lose weight or stop eating or any such thing. But every now and then what I call his "real" opinions and views come out, accidentally.


Like the day he told me he had defended me because his dad, whom had never met me, had been shocked he was dating me because I was "a pretty big girl". Said as if he were doing me a favour being here with me.


Or today when I went to fix something in our house and he said "I wouldn't stand on that. I don't even think it'd hold my weight". As if he weighed less than me, obviously. And then went dumbstruck, repeating "really??" At me when I reminded him I weighed less than him. 


I mean, we have weighed ourselves together regularly over the past year so I'm not sure why it's suddenly a shock I'm less. Maybe the sight of me is just so repulsive it made logic and memory leave his brain and he just simply ... forgot?

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Story *1

 In The Night I Dream Of Romeo...

Chapter One *Cami*


I watched, my heart racing, as Travis slowly made his way across the pub. His eyes were locked on mine with such intensity it felt like if I so much as let out a breath; the whole place would go up in smoke.

We hadn't seen each other since that moment, a while ago now, when we grew close over a camp fire. Both our situations had been different then. Our status had been different then. Yet, even at the time, we'd had an almost... Toxic energy.

It was an energy that had transpired from a physical interest in to long distance friends. Messages exchanged over the course of time. Growing from budding friendship to flirtatious banter and eventually, settling on a comfortable, dependable relationship. He was the only person that I just knew I could be myself with. The one that I could handle most things I threw at him.

Now, both newly single, I had been painfully aware of how much frisson went along with each of our messages. Knowing that it could lead to places. Places that may be a wondrous new adventure or, just as possible, a place we were not ready to visit.

However, soon enough, the topic of meeting came up - as it did every few weeks, and so, we had found our place. A forgotten pub that lived almost exactly halfway between our cities.

This pub would be the stage in which we would audition, be cast in our parts and finally, play out the scene of our future.
This night would be the half time of our game. The practiced speech would either encourage us to go out and win or, inevitably send us home in disappointment.
It was a lot to take on as I sat and waited and watched as he made his way to my side.

Smiling as if not a care in the world...



Did You Really Love Him That Much?

Chapter 2 *Travis*

She was wearing a lacy red top, heels and tight, black jeans that hugged her figure in just the right way. It was almost painful; stirring feelings that hadn't made an appearance in quite a while. She turned, caught me in her gaze and smiled. I was a trapped butterfly in her grasp. Yet, it was such a pretty smile that I thought I had imagined the tension between us over the last few weeks.

It was her eyes that gave her away. Those eyes. The grass-green perfection that seemed to dance each time that she laughed. However, just behind the glimmer, I could see the tiniest button of nerves, hiding. Scared of what was to come.

Part of me wanted to just kiss her. Right there in front of everyone. Just to stop the torture of the unknown. To stop it ruining the absolute happiness that came along with seeing Cami. Yet, my body didn't acknowledge my commands.
Instead I hugged her, quickly.
I sat down, abruptly.
Ordered a drink.
I waited for the awkwardness to consume me and watched as the threads unfurled.

All the while my thoughts circled the night we spent together. Talking into the embers of the fire and watching the sun rise with the dawn of something new.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Switching Sides...

"Can I have a LARGE bacon sandwich please?"

I looked up at the sound of the husky, well spoken voice. At the pinched-red lips that had so perfectly formed the words. I couldn't move. My mind had gone to far away places and I was living in the land of stiflingly, suffocating lust. She was beautiful....

Which would have been fine.
 If I weren't a girl.
With a boyfriend.

Well, this had never happened before... Awkward!

I had a line of people twisting like the trunk of an old tree, out of my shop and into the biting, morning wind. Yet, I wasn't moving.
Jack quickly pushed me aside.
He took the money.
Wrote the order.
All the while, pushing me towards the flames. I guess I'm on cooking duty this morning then...

Monday, 23 February 2015

Poem Of Loss

I feel ... Rejected.
Like a loose tire left on the
side of the road.
You must understand,
that better a  man than me
has buckled under my load.

I failed to abide.
I've broken rules and lied.
And, now, everywhere I turn
- I see the past.
I cannot hide.

I would rather forget.
I should try to mend.
Yet, I only ever coast...

*Original CBC poem*

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Fighting The Pain

Their laughter echoed in his ears as he made his way towards the exit. He wasn't needed any more, they'd had enough fun at his expense for one night. If only he could stop their taunts forever.

Pulling on his jacket with one hand and opening the door with the other, he was suddenly hit with the cool, forgiving breeze of the night. The vast, enormousness of it gave him hope and he smiled to himself.

Just a few more years and he'd be out. He could go to University. He could get a job. He could literally do anything. There would be no more bullies...

There would be no more Felix Beltz to con and scam and poke fun of him. No more of Denny Masters punches or Sophia Wren's spiteful "flirting". No more pain and no more crying into the blade of suffering to provide comfort to his depleting spirits.

He just wasn't sure he could wait that long for it all to stop. For the pain to end.